Stupid Girl by Garbage *w/personal reflections

Stupid Girl By Garbage*w/personal reflections

*This song always makes me think about how other people look at me from the outside and how those assumptions directly conflict with who I actually am. It also has some truth to how I feel about myself in my core. The perils of living how I do and being how I am have always been problematic for me, but I am used to it now. It's been a lifelong struggle, afterall. And honestly, I don't care if anyone gets it. These are just my thoughts on myself.

You pretend you're high
Pretend you're bored
Pretend you're anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get

*I've spent a good portion of my life being some variance of a 'party girl'. MichelleFromHell's hostess side is based on this aspect of my personality. It's the need for love issue I have. Admiration and adoration from fan energy can fill this need with a distance unlike interpersonal interactions. It is draining in its' own way too though. [But when a fan grows to hate you they rarely have a chance to say it to your face, so it's worth it to me]

Don't believe in fear
Don't believe in faith
Don't believe in anything
That you can't break

*These are all true statements, in my opinion. The fears I do have are for stupid things like heights and I know they are retarded. I could probably just get over them if I would face them, but my stomach promises to puke every time I seriously consider doing it.

*Faith is fleeting. And debatable. I'd put my money on fate first.

*Oh and if I can't solve it - I break it. Smashing glass is one of my favorite sounds.

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

*I see how many people think I didn't live up to the expectations for me, but I realize how little they truly know. Every field I have ever applied myself to, I have been successful and diversified in. I dont' think I have wasted my star ability, talents and/or degree.

*When I was a stripper, I didn't just work on stage in clubs. I did promotions and talent scouting too. I did competitions. Strip-O-Gram took my talents out to a broader audience. I worked in video and still had the occassional photo shot of me too. I was a muse for the artist Bob Wright. Much of what was learned during this time helped MichelleFromHell be born/emerge.

*When I went back to college, my grades were good enough for honors had I not transferred some stupid courses! They gave me an art scholarship. I sold work.I set up a salon de refuse for the students in the studio during student art show. I was the featured artist with my work on the handbill for the show during my scholarship standing. I wrote for the school paper - art reviews, before I was employed as their business manager. I was granted two directed studies that were built around me taking a vaction AND got a scholarship from the philosophy people to go to China. I helped found and lead a social organization.I continued to model to amuse the art students after graduating.

*I have applied my talents in my performances in all mediums -- including to my events which I classify as "installation pieces".I still am a muse, but for real artists now. I am not going to try to list how this works and how it was used during the paintball years. So nothing wasted...no matter if no one wants to realize I have taken things out to their furthest points in both the vanilla and rest of my world. I have made a life as an artist while doing everything needed to be a mom and looked like a fucking rockstar the whole time. Again -- nothing wasted.

*I am also frequently underestimated when it comes to my intellectual abilities. It's a smokescreen for everyone to think I am dumb. That way they don't expect it when I use my skills to take them out. I have pulled this shit since I was a blonde growing up. Brian Smith was one of the first people to figure it out. I hated that he knew. I prefer it be 'kept under my hat'.

What drives you on
Can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had

*This directly reflects to how I am feeling about my dad and his death. Eventhough I have found an inner peace, I am not enjoying seeing the truth laid before me. Disillusionment is a huge issue for me. I hate being disappointed and death's reality is never anything else. I worked so hard to bring honesty into my immediate surroundings after years of lies poisoning it. I hate to deal with more now that I have reached further within only to be left questioning my own perceptions.

Don't believe in love
Don't believe in hate
Don't belive in anything
That you can't waste

*This is true. I don't believe in love that can last forever -- no matter having witnessed relationships extending over 20 years plus. I was raised by a daughter of a divorced mom who was raised by a widow who never remarried. All these women were serial monogamists. With them and then my multi-partnering father, I learned this to be a fact. Although I am proud that most of my relationships are well over three years each.

*I really don't believe in hate but yet I have a list of people I swear I will hate till the day I die. I do understand though that a moment may come where they actually save my ass and amends may have to be made. Life is queer like that.

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Can't believe you fake it
Can't believe you fake it

*Please remember MichelleFromHell is an ACT. Like Alice Cooper. She's not completely me -- just some aspects that help her character be itself. It's a safety tool to protect myself and my life.

Don't believe in fear
Don't believe in pain
Don't believe in anyone
That you can't tame

*This is the so clear I shouldn't have to explain. I have relationships that involve training. The Little Prince's fox taught me the value of taming the wild ones. It's about love....

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted
You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Can't believe you fake it
Can't believe you fake it

You stupid girl
*I don't want anyone to think I am down on myself right now. The exact opposite is true. I am super strong. I am a Goddess afterall~ M


Ignore the wizard behind the curtain. She's unimportant anyways!