Hard Day

Why is mourning like this...You get hit uber hard at first to the point of numbness...You begin to make an effort to put it out of your mind...and for a while it pulls back to give you room to breathe...BUT JUST WHEN YOU GET SETTLED BACK IN IT SNEAKS UP ON YOU AND ATTACKS OUT OF NO WHERE?

I have projects I am excited about. Between the bunkhouse redo and the farms I feel thrilled about my near future. So much to do and learn that it makes me feel like being a Crone was possibly my real calling...lol...

I still can't sleep though. I have a pile of clean laundry that has needed folding for about three weeks now that I still feel overwhelmed by, but I can't seem to force myself to sit there and do it. Today I can't get my fucking father out of my mind...or my sister...

It has hit me how much of each of their lives I missed out on where each of them is concerned individually AND as a 'family unit' [btw which is NOT applicable, as we never had a chance to ever be a family for more then an evening]...The whole stranger in a strange world phase keeps ringing in my head..I keep asking myself What Was My Place and realizing I didn't have one...

And then it hits me between the eyes...To him I was the tosser who should have been a flusher...My mom's imfamous quote of, "Abortions weren't legal when you were conceived" is ringing my brain into a frenzy...I am crying uncontrollably....

People often wonder how I can claim that I strive for people to love me because I am making up for the love that I only must have pretended was there...Afterall, actions speak louder than words...God this is sickening...

I don't want to wallow. I want to put MichelleFromHell on and hide within her strength. Luckily, I get to pull her out of the closet and take her to a party tonight. Maybe she can fake feeling like someone normal...right now I just feel deserted...again,

M