I fucking have cancer

I was just sending this to a few people but I am adding it here so you all know what is going on with me. I hope you will read it and understand why I've been distant while becoming sick over this past year...Overview of my life starting Thanksgiving week/end of November:
A. Found out had to move out of Darling house but would get $1500 if could be out by the first. Went house hunting that day and found 2 possiblities
B. Go to GoodNeighborClinic and begin treatment for PID - a shot, a set of 2 orange horsepills plus a week's worth of blue pills. All make my stomach cramp and my ass explode uncontrollably.
C. Get moved in time bc the 2nd place is kick ass and the owner rocks -- Thanksgiving weekend. Get the cash for keys on the first. I paint the bathroom, kitchen AND start a mural on the ceiling of my studio.
D. December go in for follow-up. To be sure I still don't have it I get a shot. PAP smear came back ugly so they referred me to Methodist Dysplasia Clinic.
E. Jan 12th Go to MDC and get 2 spots biopsied. Told I am precancerous, but no cancer seen at this point.
F. From MDC go to GNC and set a well man's check up for Will and another follow up for me because I have PID again. [Or what we think is PID]
G. Jan 14th Will goes for check up
H. Jan 18th we found out he's got herpes and has cheated on me with a close friend
I. Jan 2oth fell apart emotionally and had a little break down
J. Jan 21st Will goes with me to GNC. I get tested. Also get antibotics for what we still think may be PID. Ten days more of blue pills. Try to get emergency mental health but am turned away.
K. Jan 22nd I have a physical melt down and chose to not pursue mental health assistance at this time
L. Jan 23rd Another emotional melt down spent the day resting and talking to Pam Crank
M. Jan 27th Find out that I too now have herpes
N. Jan 27th Get a Gold Card via an emergency appointment
O. Feb 2nd Follow up with MDC. Find out 'precancerous' = radical hysterectamy. Appointments set for BenTaub.
P. Feb 4th have follow up for PID scheduled but weather bad and clinic is closed.
Q. Feb 5th Missed WHEN WE RULED H-TOWN show at Fitz due to major pain from where samples were taken.
R. Feb 8th BenTaub OBGYN/Oncology appointment. Found out I have cancer and it could be really bad. Set appointments
for all presurgery things, rush to get emergency Medicade, and begin contacting people with the truth.
S. Feb 11th Make it to the Joe Ely/International Festival fund raiser for Valentines. Can't make it to the encore because of pain.
T. Feb 14th 3 lab appointments take all day [blood, ekg and xrays]
U. Feb 19th Make it to the DollyRockers show but have to leave early bc of pain and exhaustion.
V. Feb 22nd Met with Medical Doctor. She thinks I need my heart looked at after surgery. I get the term "squamous cells" from her. Explained this surgery is really exploratory.
W. Feb 23rd Met with Anthesia people. Find out that I have a bad spot on my right lung that will require more images once I am done with this surgery. Due to my overall health and experiences am told I will only be numb nipples to toes and they will give me something to relax. Oh and I have to take a piss test before surgery to prove
I only smoke pot and don't do any other hard drugs. stop on way home at GNC and thank the nurse who got me to get
this solved.
X. Feb 24th going in for the Anal and urethra scopes.
Y. Found out from the scopes that it has spread to vagina and within my pelvis. Not in bladder or colon/rectum yet. No surgery. Chemo Radio = 50% five years. Pain script is a huge one, but I am not taking it yet. I have stage 3B
cancer.

I am totally breaking down. Life has finally caught up with me. This is the price I have to pay because I never had a Dorian Grey painting of my own to keep me so young looking. My repeated fear is that they are going to open me up and find all the ugliness of my life rotten inside me. The lung thing seems to reinforce this in my mind. I am scared shitless. I just want to step in front of a bus, but the kids and Will won't let me out of their site. I want to cry but it only comes in spurts. I am angry at myself for not looking into this sooner. I am hurting in every fuckin' way possible...THIS REALLY FUCKING SUCKS.

I am never going to forgive Suzanne. Especially after talking to other women whom were mutual friends that she also did this to. I don't have the time to be angry at her, but I do hate her for what she did while acting like my friend.
Will is working hard to take good care of me and make amends while we still have some time. So don't worry about that stuff. I am mainly writing to tell everyone that I love them, M