It was a rough week, but the answers is still 42

It was a rough week, but the answer is still 42. Fucking mice.
Current mood: indifferent
So fates tested my heart's strength all week. I have experienced enough mental and emotional stress to give myself an irregular heartbeat. Such fun for a woman with mitral valve prolapse! It's been the total elephant on the chest experience from years ago again. I hate that fucking sensation.

At my age, it actually causes an additional anxiety of having my first heart attack...I've had mini ones my whole life because of the mvp and this week there was a day that my arm was numb enough for me to worry a full one had hit...I am still a little shakey and sore from it two days later, but never felt afraid enough to go to the doctor or anything. I knew the cause and had accepted it could be a reality. I thought of a stepmother a friend had that at 33 woke up to go to work, vomited and then died. wham. I kept telling myself, "As long as I am not vomiting then I am not dying." Morbid huh? Just how my brain really works.

After a great deal of thinking and contemplating my overall life, I have decided I am tired of fighting for everything. I am tired of fighting with my lovers, so I have people in my love life that are the easiest going folks in the world. I am tired of fighting people's misconceptions about me and my life, but since I have no desire to enlighten and explain at this time I chose to just shake my head and say, "Nevermind." I am tired of people who I have been friends with turning on me and trying to harm me unprovoked after I have chosen to end the association. Rejection hurts on both sides of this deal, evidently.

I've fought the whole world my whole life. Ironically they say I came out kicking and screaming because I was a breech baby! I have stood up against injustice, defended the innoscent and protected those who needed it with logic and passion. But goddamnit people, I am fucking tired of it.

Being in the scene has taught me a great deal about myself. I found out I could be the Michelle that the stars alligned the destiny for, if I just applied myself. I can be a leader, a rockstar and an educator. All of my dreams have been accomplished. I am stronger for everything, but also destroyed by some of the experiences.

The community I worked so hard to improve has gone to the dogs. People are no longer the way they were when I entered the scene. It's much more sexual and party oriented. Some educational opportunities have recently re-emerged, but nothing that holds much interest to me and mine.

See, we've figured out what dynamics work within our lives...We apply what we want/need and go about living. It's not some little aspect of how we live -- it IS how we live. Try as hard as I can, I just don't see much need to do the whole circuit anymore. I may still go to National level events and the occassional local one, but overall I just am not getting what I want from that aspect of my world anymore.

I am going to try to slip into oblivion for a while. Maybe someday I will be just a distant memory or even legendary in my own right. Either would work for me~

Lv M

If it doesn't make you happy -- then don't fucking do it.
No matter what anyone says or does, you'll be happier that you were true to yourself.