Pondering

My life is really good right now. I've thinned my social calendar way back and am enjoying my freedom. My social circle has been tightened with a few players taken out of the game for poor sportsmanship. These two factors have put me in a place where I have a moment to think, so I have been...

For past year I have slowed down on seeing clients. The gig really lost it's pleasure for me. There is just no inspiration in the whole thing for me right now. I need that to really give my clients the level of domination/topping I have been known to provide. To take anyone on right now would be unfair and not worth the price, in my opinion.

After 2008's Sinfest, I chose to pull away from both the performance and production aspects of my career as well. Producing is a ton of work for little profit. It put strains on my friendships and mental well being. That means it's just not fucking worth it to me...

I'd like to still perform, but have sort of distanced myself from my friends who are oriented around those opportunties. To really get them interested in me again would be a matter of me making a concerted effort which requires funds I just don't have. When I work with the friends mentioned I don't get paid. I pay my own travel expenses. It's just too damn expensive to be a volunteer, no matter how much I love someone. That's why we gave the out of towners a hotel and gas money to come perform at our events. Sadly, my friends have yet to do the same for me -- instead we stay with them, eat fast food and pay to drive....Again, I could do my own bookings/shows so that I could assure myself an income vs a cost would require me taking on the production responsiblities I just stated as undesirable to me.

So what's left? Oh modeling and movies. This is sickening. I have tons of offers on the table and am not returning anyone's calls. Yaqi wants to shoot me tickling him. Messygirl asked recently where the hell I am. One Model Place even gets me really good leads, but I just am not in the mood to follow them all up.

Sick part? I look the best I have in years. I am finally thin enough to feel good about going on camera. My hair is a manage-able length and color. I lost the weight in a healthy way, so I don't look all dehydrated and sick. Even my tummy looks great thanks to me doing dancing everyday in the house for about 30 minutes. [fucking exercise is the key. i hate fucking exercise. bellydancing is easier for me.]

Yawn. Don't feel it either. I really got skinny to keep myself sexy in general. If Will is the only person who gets to enjoy it, that's just fine with me.

I am enjoying being an interior designer at the moment. I am thinking of going back to actually using my stupid four year degree and begin painting again. My son is trying to show and a dear artist friend is showing frequently across the country. With those two on my side, I am pretty sure I could work their contacts to help me.

Basically, here's my wish list: 1. Book myself more interior gigs 2. Get my hands on some paints and canvasses 3. Using the kitties as models do a series of people bound together with bondage 4. Put together a showing with other art/photo friends 5. Play with my kitties more in private 6. Stay fucking happy

Today may be my daughter's 19th birthday, but I think I may be the one who is doing the growing older....Lv M