I cry

Humilaty - a lesson I never enjoy
I grew up with many advantages. My step-father was the administrative attourney to the district courts of harris county and my mom worked for private schools and the department of health and human resources as a special needs teacher. I shopped in all the best department stores. We had our hair and nails done weekly. I had a car at 16 and a credit card at 15 for shopping. Getting a job during the school year was never encouraged, as my parents felt getting good grades was my real job. [And I did all right at it -- never pushed myself for good grades until I was in college]...It was definately an upper middle class background -- totally whitebread-a-licious...

I have a four year degree. I got two different scholarships while in college -- one in art and another from the philosophy department for a trip to China. I was living in a house left to me by my grandma with another one being used as a profit making rental. I had soooo much going for me, even after divorcing my kids father...where did I fuck it all up?

Some of you may be wondering why I feel like I fucked anything up...Let me fill you in the most shameful feeling I have -- I am totally fucking poor. I am not joking here either. I am fucking poor. So poor I worry where the rent will come from, if we will have food and where money will come from to pay for medications if someone gets sick...Well, that someone is me and it all hit me smack in the mother fucking face today...

My doctor gave me 4 out of the 6 antibotics I would need to get over this stupid bronchitis. I took all those. I delayed going to get the script filled because he told me it was going to be expensive...SIX FUCKING PILLS WERE OVER $130!

I just stood there and wanted to cry. The pharmacist could see the struggle in my sunken dark circled eyes. He asked me to call my doc and get a different drug. I explained my doc told me to only get that one -- thus him not signing off on alternatives...Last night was the worst one for me yet...I am still so very sick and scared...

And it is all my own fucking fault. I am the one who is too much of a mess to manage a real job. I am the one who has fought like hell to pursue my dream [and if you look at my credits, I have accomplished a shit load -- but not enough of it paying worth damn.] I am the one who married the wrong men -- the first one unable to ever pay his goddamn childsupport and the second one who put me through bankruptacy before our divorce...I am the ultimate under-fucking-achiever...

So here is my humilation...I am crying with the shame of being poor...I am admitting I have been a FUCK UP...I am paying for having been such a spoiled brat growing up...I sure hope my fucking karma is fixed after this life...

M