I wish I could have warned them, but I have learned my place.

After all the shit I went through while releasing my attachment to HPEP, I am extremely leery of advising anyone who has not asked. In the past I would have warned people about things in the calendar they had not considered, location tips and leads and/or pricing. I am no longer giving that forward, instead waiting until I feel the time is right. Since I am never sure of who can pull what off, it only behooves me to wait and watch to avoid looking foolish.

I fucking hate this change in myself. HATE IT.

Right now I am watching a very nice man deciding to cancel an event he had booked in October to make up for an annual Austin event that has been discontinued. I really like the guy and we sort of briefly discussed our events at the last Wicked Wednesday. He admitted even though he's new in town, he has a great deal of past experience doing events.

When they announced the event they also posted paying jobs for the event. Folks said I should apply. I was even invited to by the event owners, but I explained that I would prefer to attend events I do not own vs work on them. It almost stunned me to read that again. I am so used to being the "help anyway I can" type of volunteer to go to big events because of ticket pricing...but not anymore. Thanks to my past with DareWare and the various other groups/events that I volunteered on for over a decade and a half, I am serious about only working on my own events. HPEP taught me I am totally over any group projects that I am not owner of completely.

But because I have a big event the following month - with a very different orientation and target audience - I felt that if I tried to warn them about the short comings within their plans it would be taken wrong. How could I not worry about this when my recent situations with HPEP taught me the hardening lesson that has deeply affected me to my very core? Here is what I saw and should have stressed to them when they took on the event:

1. The original event was in Austin and it drew from across the state because everyone loves to visit Austin and it is centrally located in terms of the state. Many people do not like to come to Houston.
2. Fall/October in Houston is already overloaded with events - kids/school obligations like fall festivals, homecomings, etc/Texas Renaissance Festival/Fall outdoor events in general - like concerts, etc./Halloween in Vanilla/the annual EROS anniversary/Halloween party and blah blah blah October is the busiest month in town....
3. Rope is a niche market in this town. While you have many interested people wanting to come to house parties, they are not known for hosting giant events like the pansexual driven events do.
4. There is a reason huge educational events are NOT in this town. The market would rather take a road trip to those and make a big production of it. And it took *forever* to build an audience for many of those. [Estimated 2 - 3 years in many situations]
5. Cost is a figure you have to look at when dealing with this local audience. Again with all the above described social obligations [of number 2], the wallet is already thin. I am hitting them up at a fair price at the end of it and before Christmas for a reason.
6. Start small and build your audience before publicly committing to something this large. It gets hopes up and then harms your rep when it does not make. I waited a month before I committed to my events. I am building my audience with my mixers. I did small all last year for HPEP to re-learn how to pull my ideas together. I am no place near where I want to be on audience building, but I have also begun the process and am constantly expanding my exposure.
7. How well do you know the people you hire? Another lesson I had recently is that some people SEEM like they should know what is required of them for the commitment and be able to back it before their other obligations. If their life is totally in order and you are positive through personal experience/interaction then totally bring them into our crew, BUT if they are spread thin with other leadership obligations, health issues and/or money problems [or a fucked up relationship/kid situation] I can almost promise you they will fuck your stuff up too. In my opinion, it is NOT worth the work they provide. I'd rather have more lead time to handle all the details myself honestly.

I wrote the event that cancelled's host and expressed my sadness for them and shared my hotel contact information as a lead to encourage them to try this huge undertaking next year. If he responds warmly, I might lead him here to this post. I am going to now give some hints for folks wanting to plan a big event:

1. Houston is fucking hot March until October. Indoor focused events are best. No one really likes camping in this area during these months either. Hell PRIDE is in June and it is unbearably hot. If you have a hotel, be sure they will have the pool open. During the few cooler parts of this part of the calendar, vanilla festivals are in season. Kinky people love them. Conflicting with them only hurts your numbers.

2. If you are looking at booking a kinky event, remember that Houston House hosts their events on the Saturdays of months with five Saturdays. I did not notice this until after I booked my first event. Luckily I am on Friday and do ticket pre-sales.

3. People do go to DFW and San Antonio for certain events. Find out if your target market conflicts with any established event of this type and try to not cause them to choose to maximize your audience. If you absolutely have to pick a date that conflicts with a major event in another large city, make sure you target an audience that does not make the road trips to the other events annually OR offer something so much better that they change their plans.

4. LEARN THE CALENDAR FOR THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY. Try to go to every group in town and offer them something - even if it is just your attendance and support of their munches, coffees, classes, parties/events, etc. You must go out and press palms. New or old. It is just the truth. Folks must know you to love and support you.

5. Give yourself over 6 months worth of promotional time. Just do it. Quit asking why.

It sucks that I don't feel like I can just thrust this on folks as an effort to help. While I may be a bitch who knows a shit ton, I am not a know it all pushy bitch anymore. I will advise when asked and help when it does not put me out. I am committed to my dream and hope you all nothing but the best while you pursue yours.

trains

The only thing more expedient than a bus would be a train. Trains run past my apartment all day and night. I hear one right now, chugging along. The section behind our apartment has trees that must make it hard for them to see at night because at 2.30 each morning they go blaring by at full horn volume.

The chugging used to soothe me. It reminded me of living in Spring Branch were the I 10 tracks were close enough to hear but far enough away that I would dream of them being closer. The chugging has turned into a mental churning now that they are.

I wish they were making me dream of adventuring to far away lands....and today in a strange way that is sort of the case...but just not the far away lands one would expect...

trains don't go in space....trains can't pass through time or exist in a place where neither does time...they don't move as fast a soul...

I no longer long for the bus. I still do want a long nap. in space. right now. enough is enough. I will not lay down just yet...maybe soon but not yet.

A little rant/ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr buttkissers

I am watching certain people kiss the butt of one woman, and not in the uber erotic kind of way. In the let me bask in your glory kind of way so that folks will think I am important too kind of way [and not a good glory hole kind of way either, dirty pervs!] One of them even has the gall to post on a group that he has NO place in...a group sacred to Female Dominants, no less.

And he's no switch or male sub. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? We all know how far up her ass you choose to be but is nothing sacred anymore? Do you have to INVADE every place she is at??? I expect your butt kissing in every other group, knowing how much you adore her...although for the life of me I can't fathom what is so damn fascinating about the fem in question.

In my eyes ~ she's okay. Not brilliant by any means - average intelligence with very little understanding of linguistics and/or definitions. Looks were in her youth, and lost today. Class? hmmmmmm. I will bite my tongue on that one....and not say anything more on the topic of her...because right now I am talking only about butt kissing...

I watch this butt kissing all day and want to puke. Seriously puke. I just don't get it. In a year you will just have to pucker up to someone else with power, so why all this effort now? How do I know this? BECAUSE GUESS WHOSE ASS THEY KISSED ALL LAST YEAR. It is farcical.

I had enough sense to not take any of it to heart. I watched to see who would still "love" me after I stepped down. I listened for the two sided behaviors with jaded ears. I kept the people closest to me that I thought shared my interests and when I saw they weren't anything but an asskissing fool, I cut them loose. I have never been a fan of someone riding on my coattails. Not ever.

Today's post just really ticked me off. I am involved with that group because it is the ONE fucking community group where WOMEN are important. Women rule. No fucking asshole male Dom wannabes allowed. Personally, if it were me this one in particular was stalking, I would put him in his place on the list in the replies. But that is me and I am a bitch like that...hell, I am cunt like that! [as I have warmth and depth]

I figured I would vent here. I quit doing it where I used to for a reason. I only want the people who give a shit to know how I feel.

And since this has a tracking device, I know exactly who sees it when. Remember that when I find out you are tattling brats....fuckers. I hate those people.

So super excited about tomorrow night

I get to be surrounded by STRANGERS and I find this thrilling! Thanks to a sweet generous friend, Will and I get to dress up and go have a rip roaring good time. I have our costumes all planned out. We are going to look way more hip then we normally bother with. This is a vanilla crowd but judging by the images I have seen online from previous years, it looks like an open minded crowd when they have masks on! [Kinky to me!]

General Admission tickets are only $40! You get food and drink with that!! We are going to be little piggies! Since I probably won't see most of these people ever again, I plan to go into full party girl mode. Cocktails aplenty is my plan. Hope Will enjoys the results. [He always jokes when I drink that he will take advantage of me if I get tipsy enough ~ and then I slow down just to be stinky!] Tomorrow night though he is getting his wish!

So if you want a night away from our usual crowd with music, food and drinks [sorry no strippers this time], I recommend you come on out and join us!

Bringing myself some peace

I have learned it is easiest to own my 'wrongs' and say 'I am sorry'. Why wander around wondering if someone is going to blow at any minute and that wrath will be heading my way? Let me explain something about myself through a little story about my trip to ClubFem this weekend....

I knew two people who would most definitely be at the party would not be so thrilled to see me there. I made sure to attend with two of my closer friends who were both aware of these situations. I also knew I could ask to go home at any time and the request would be honored. While I am willing to walk into temperate environments, I don't believe in walking in blind or unarmed so to speak.

Background on the situation. One of them was someone I recently dismissed my attachment to because he had become overtly obsessed with me. Having been through a similar situation with him over a decade ago, the feeling of returning to something I hated the first time with an even MORE creepiness was unacceptable! He is the king of crap to pull online. He thinks he can upset me or throw my game off by attaching himself to two different women....

I went in and sat beside a new friend of mine. We are almost twins - in approach, style and tastes. The male has been all up her ass! He was attaching himself to her before I released him so I figured that was going to be where he headed next. Hell, I am the one who encouraged him to be nice to her because I knew where things were heading with us. I guess I should have warned her, but honestly I thought she would be someone who would enjoy the same benefits that I did. I knew she was healthy poly and she knew the whole situation with them was given a clear and green light even when we were entangled. [A no harm no foul in my book]

Later we got out to smoke together and chat in private. Smart girl comes right out and tells me that she feels he is a bit of a cling-on. I explain why I cut him from my roster. I now do feel worse that he will attempt his typical bullshit of sneaking into her life and there is no more warning I can give. She is smart and sees through him! hahahaha and I had absolutely nothing to do with it! I did serve as a level of protection for her from him all night, as he steered himself away from her while I was close.

I noticed his pout when he caught where I was. That is the look that makes me want to vomit on him. I made a point of trying to avoid even looking at him. No glares means I don't care -- you are fucking invisible to me you moron! Anger would equate to emotional attachment and I don't feel one ounce of anything!! Indifference! Best weapon ever!!! [Thank you to Willam Belli for that hint!]

See he tries to stir shit within me by making all his comments to these women very public so they end up in my feed. When he teamed up with the other person I expected to have problems with, I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. She's eagerly taken him and another stalker person from my past and placed them very near to her. Whew! Two problems in one fell swoop and I am to be jealous?!?! Really?!?! Nope, I owe her a debt of thanks for clearing them out of my path. The journey is much better without dead weight.

She played him that night. She's very talented. I am glad he can be her channel of rage machine. Hit him hard, honey! She and I didn't exchange but once and then it was so cold on her end, I was a little stunned. But it was totally expected. All of this passive aggressive mind gaming is normal. It cracks me up. It's so *vanilla* and *junior high*.

Best way to circumvent this situation and stop the stupidity? Write, own and shoot the hostage. This is where the saying I am sorry and owning my end of the situation comes in. Today I sent her this note:

MichelleFromHell 45F
Houston, Texas
written about 1 hour ago:

You're doing great. I am sorry I was so protective of HPEP at the start. I didn't realize I would have such an attachment.

I have released that attachment. I have stood down and gone radio silent. I shared our exchange in full so folks could see both sides, but in the interest of peace, it has been removed. While it may have pissed you off now, I am betting you will understand that technique in the end.

I wish you nothing but the best. To help with that, I am staying out of your way. But I do not like having to be treated so coldly in public when I am serious about making the effort to show support and polite interaction. It would be lovely if the next time we are in the same space we could just be civil.

I will be avoiding HPEP events to help ease things for you. I hope you see this as an effort to ease your stress. [I noticed your weight loss at CF and it worried me to know how rapidly it fell off.]

No one should be made sick by a volunteer position. I am sorry I added to your stress. I remember after the first two weeks of my term, I publicly posted about what we had accomplished in the first month because I had already handled two months worth of work behind the scenes alone. I should have been more considerate, but in my anxiety I failed at that and you.

Peace be with you. Good luck with the whole thing. Hope this year rocks.

M

So now I am done. I've offered amends. I've owned my end of the deal. To me this is done. Let's hope they both realize I am doing everything in my power to get them out of my universe and to keep far away from each of theirs. Seriously, I know how short life is. I don't need this crap ruining my good time!

In praise of the one and only ClubFem! KUDOS!

I just feel compelled to praise ClubFem!

I see here today smiling in reflection. What a great event! Everyone went all out and it was a fabUlous crowd.

All the parade participants were brave and bold. A few clearly stood "heads" above a few of the others, but overall a great effort was made.

The MC was delightful. Glowing. Charming. She had us all in tears at time with her humor!

Two examples of rubber encasement gave me tingles but one particularly stood out. His Companion earned a well deserved "Bitch" from me...especially once the hood went on and all that showed was his pretty mouth. I went to bed dreaming about stomping him in his own boots. [yum] The other one - and I still don't know who that was once the rubber came off - was THE BEST SOURCE FOR LAUGHTER!

First - if it is a grower and not a shower - keep it hidden, please. It's embarrassing! And if you are ever standing alone in a corner with it peeking out, do NOT get hard. With your hands bound you look like you are mentally masturbating - and I did not give my consent to participate in that! Maybe you were trying to regain some face [which when you think about it is stupid because we couldn't even see yours!] by showing it could grow, but really?!? EW. hahahahahaha and I am being kind by not making a South Park Chicks love big balls video reference here!

It thrilled me to my core to see the love IHM make it. I know she's been cooped up during her recovery/healing period from her surgery. Her smile beamed through the crowd.

Oh and there is no way I want to discount my delight in hanging out with and meeting so many great chicks. What a variety of femme fatales! At one point while returning from a smoke, I looked at my girlies and they were pooled in boys...like 3 each! Doting on them like Goddesses. I LOVE WATCHING THAT!

I had many offers for attention. At one point, it finally hit me of why I don't accept the foot rubs or massage offers. As I explained it [roughly]:

• I only allow one man to touch my body
• I only kiss one mouth
• I only want HIM

He asked, "Even in a non-sexual way?"
Yes.

DID THAT JUST FALL OUT OF MY POLY MOUTH? The mouth of a multiple relational issue with cheating tramp no less?!?! HOLY SHIT.

---

It is the true. I am so happy in my mono. Fulfilled. Fed. Satisfied. EVEN AFTER SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!

Plus I have learned that people get too attached to me if I let them touch me. Especially submissive males. Hell, I am terrified to even give one a kiss on the cheek now. Look where that got me recently - in a pile of someone else'sobsession. No fucking thank you! Gross.

But it was so much fun to go out and FLIRT. I never had time to do that last year. I was so damned worried about my fucking image as a board member that I normally forgot to have fun. MY LIFE IS FUN AGAIN.

I even managed to deny a temptation by the universe to help a baby Domme. The force is strong with this little one. I will watch her closely. We'll see when it will be time to help her learn that wrapping a whip and hitting the bottom in the face can be unlearned....

I really applied Ms Ann's two ears lesson last night. And it completely improved my evening. I relaxed and to me that is priceless.

Thank you to everyone who helped with that. It's a huge gift. Thank you again.

A fine example of how things are not what they seem to me

 Recently someone thought they were going to be *helpful* and *treat me* to two different items that made no fucking sense to me...well one did, as I had mentioned in passing that if I had a fry daddy I could make chicken like Long Johns...honestly though here is the moment where I can explain why this truly was a stupid thing to buy me...

1. I have the world's tiniest kitchen. This same person had also been around while I had bitched about that and how if one more person gives me a small appliance I won't have an ounce of space left.
2. He's also heard me saying not so much fried food - we are all getting fat.
3. Not to mention he happens to know LJS is my all time favorite fast food and will ignore my desire to stay skinny if it means I get to have it.

Now when he gave me the fry daddy, I just laughed. I told him it was thoughtful to get me it....but in reality? I COULD NOT HAVE GIVEN TWO FUCKS AND IT IS STILL IN IT'S BOX! 

Why haven't I used it?

1. because they are inherently messy. 
2. They are a waste of oil/use too much
3. I rarely like to take the time and deal with the stickiness of batters!

THAT'S WHY I DID NOT HAVE ONE ALREADY! ~idiot~

This gift followed another one that rattled my brain...This seriously insane make up mirror...

1. Again TINY FUCKING APARTMENT WITH NO DAMN SPACE!
2. I have NEVER desired to see my pores that closely! not ever! NEVER!
3. I said I needed a little fucking LAMP/ this POS lights up a very ugly greenish fluorescent light and makes my make up look the wrong color!!
4. I already owned the kind of mirror that was the size I liked

You want to know how this stupid gift made me think? YOU DUMB COCK. YOU JUST WANT A PAINTED UP PRETTY PRETTY ON YOUR FAT OLD ARM! This shit is all about you and not me. Because if it was about me, you would have fucking listened when I said I wanted a LAMP. Thoughtlessness in details is annoying as fuck to me!

With both of these situations, I was FORCED to be gracious when I wanted to toss both of them at his fucking head. I tell people alllllll the time - I am NOT a fan of surprises. I would prefer to be taken shopping or get a gift card than have to accept UNWANTED OR NEEDED presents graciously!

What pissed me off the most and creates a HUGE resentment on my end? Being stuck in a situation where I have to be nice to not seem so damn mean. I am not mean. I am just independent and picky about my shit. If I need or have a want that we cannot meet, I will fucking assssssssssssk. God damn.

And now you are thinking "What a spoiled bitch - she is not thankful for someone buying her something" - AND THIS IS THE REASON I RESENT BEING PUT IN THE POSITION! Because I *will* be judged as lacking appreciation or sentimentality or some other bullshit attachment created within a social contract that I had NO input in creating -- NO FUCKING THANK YOU.

I'd rather fry my shit in my skillet and have clogged pores~

Holly Golightly: You could always tell what kind of a person a man thinks you are by the earrings he gives you. I must say, the mind reels. "Breakfast @ Tiffany's"