I find it strange that no one felt I was self-destructing when I chose to walk away from a successful career as a professional Fetishist. No one batted an eye as I admitted I have been not taking paying jobs that required me having to ProDom, model or perform. Seems that even though I have worked consistantly on my career as an Adult Performance Artist for over twenty-years on and off, destroying what I built on by just walking away was not destructive.
Think about it honestly -- sure it fucking is! It underminds my income. That puts us all at risk in a way. It removes people from my life who have paid me well for my efforts...but that's okay judging by how no one felt the right to get into my business on that...maybe because for the Vanilla work it is a morally correct choice - a theory I think is a pile of crap by the way!
But certain people feel that respect doesn't carry over to whom I have closest to me in my intimate circle of friends. WTF? To be frank, my friends aren't any more socially acceptable then my career choice!
When I have heard people calling me the drama queen, I have laughed. I know I haven't been creating any of this shit. What has happened was because of a person's choices over many years in what she said to me and others over the span -- and the direct conflict there in. I won't tolerate someone who acts like they are involved with me because it's an equality only to find out they have been looking down their nose at me behind my back, plus occassionally planning my demise. Somehow this makes me a bad person.
I am also not putting up some big fight. I won't even discuss things with the people involved. I have already said my peace over time. I PLANNED THIS FOR OVER A FUCKING YEAR. I sat back, watched, listened and learned the truth. It sickened me.
When I realize the person behind the mask is not the person I thought I knew, I get very disenchanted. IF it happens with multiple people at once I feel compelled to 'clean out my closets' so to speak. I cut off all communication. I refuse their calls. I won't respond to emails unless it involves getting my shit back. I avoid social functions where I know the problem person or people will be.
For those who grew up with me, you all know I can make friends any time I want. It's not difficult for me because I have a natural appreciation of the differences of people. Something interesting is inside of everyone and if you ask the right questions you can learn something about the person that might be truly special. So telling shitty friends to fuck off isn't a big fucking challenge for me.
And yet I hear I am self destructive. HA! How the fuck is clearing out the shit a bad thing? Explain to me how keeping people who bring you down in your life is a good thing? My mom was right that if you surround yourself with people who have drama, so will you. Why would making those problems not exist in my reality destructive??????
To me they are empowering and constructive. I am building my own world for the next phase of my life. A life where my kink and my kids are not all I have going on. A life where I chose what gigs I take on, rather then working to pay the fucking bills and care for my kids. One built on a foundation of folks who have inspirational abilities and truly understand the benefits of working as a group to better the conditions of the whole.
Part of reconditioning an old place and making it all nice and new is tearing down the rotten parts and making them functional again. I do it all the time with my work. Somethings can be repurposed and other shit just has to go to the burn pile.
*Fire is a very healthy element for me. It's something simply complex that I completely understand. It goes from a solid, to flame to smoke and leaves ashes behind that help roses grow. It's why I am a Pheonix.
I am not Nero. I am not burning Rome. I am just getting rid of the trash that has been stinkin' up the place~
Lv M
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