update on my life again

UPDATE ON MY INTIMATE SURROUNDINGS:

Now on to reality...Will...Things have taken yet ANOTHER turn...Paul informed us this week that rather then following through with the remainder of the application here with Will, he is going to move over by their other friend alone. He wants to be in a part of town 'where things are going on' more 'happenin' or whatnot...He’s going to end up by the summit.

I have to admit, I laughed in his face when he made this comment/excuse. This man has NEVER lived in this city. He has NO CLUE that Houston isn't like many other major cities. We do not have any one particular 'central business district' where things happen all the time. People live alllllll over the place because there are tons of smaller 'regions' of town where certain things are more of the focus, but you can find something to do on any given weekend in any assorted areas of the city.

Basically he's running after the ever elusive golden ring and chasing after some idyllic albeit vague dream of ringing the bell. He's the type who always thinks the grass is greener but yet knows NOTHING about what type of consistency and dedication it takes to have a lush, full lawn. We discussed this pattern yesterday while shopping for stuff he will need to live alone. I pointed out that it sounds to me as an outside observer that the real problem comes back to the same point -- him. I reminded him that is the only thing he can’t run away from. He blushed and admitted it. Does that mean he's motivated to change and grow? He claims so, but his words and deeds are not cohesive.

It's this self-absorbed and blind-minded internal motivational aspect that has driven these two apart. Will understands the positives and negatives of communal living, plus the amount of consideration and respect required to have a highly functional family unit to improve the global environment. Paul is the kind of guy who didn't consider it disrespectful to cut through the cemetery around the corner to save three minutes getting to the damn freeway! [Another humiliation scene while I was calling him out on this in the car yesterday.]

By bailing on Will, Paul has really shown his true colors to Will. My poor baby likes to really believe that those closest to him completely jibe on the core moral code he holds dear. Basically he is kind of like Jesus – he’s all about live and let live but please try to do it with some consideration of others. Paul is LOST by this concept. He’s tooooo damn innately selfish in his very core. He is a nice guy but when you really look at him there is not much redeeming, aside from doing the dishes if you ask me.

Will is not the type who would ever fuck a best friend's younger sister without discussing it with him [Paul did this to him in HS]. He respects friendships and family too much. I can understand him forgiving this because to him the real transgression began when he realized Paul wasn’t going to tell him, leaving him to discover it himself. Because Will is always willing to give people he loves multiple chances to grow and improve as human beings he moved on from that point – but remembered it recently because of another matter involving my daughter discussed below.

Will is not one who would ever allow his sister's hubby to move in with him after the marriage fell apart because of the asshole cheating on her, but Paul didn't see this as a true hindrance. I told Paul the only way in hell I would have done such a thing would be so I could slowly poison the son of a bitch. [Or at least fuck up all of his shit slowly before destroying his life.]

Will met my daughter when she was 16. Even though their age difference is half of ours, he still recognized her as my child. She was NEVER seen as a sexual being. Our leather family respects those same boundaries since most of them have known her since she was 7. In less than two weeks of moving in here fucking Paul thought it would be okay to make a move on my kid. Before it actually was seen through to fruition Will and I both noticed the signals.

On a road trip weekend we began discussing this half way to Huntsville. Both of became nervous. It was too clear to both of us. When we finally reached Paul it was the next morning. [And to think at first I was glad I had a grown up who would keep an eye on the teens while I was traveling!]

In the following discussions Paul was actually fucking OFFENDED that I would not consider him appropriate for my child. He didn't see how sexually approaching my daughter might offend the woman who is providing him with room and board for free while he gets his shit together – while asking nothing of him – just to support her boyfriend?? HOW FUCKING STUPID! I HAVEN'T SEEN A DAMN PENNY OUT OF THIS NO CAREER HAVING BASICALLY HOMELESS NOMAD WHO AT TWENTY SIX WANTS TO CHASE EIGHTTEEN YEAR OLDS AND HE THINKS I WOULD WANT HIS 'HAVE TO HAVE A FEW BEERS EVERY SINGLE NIGHT' ASS DATING MY DAUGHTER WHO IS ACCUSTOMED TO DEVOTING HERSELF TO THE SONS OF MILLIONAIRES? Really? Does that sound like me?



Yet none of this – and there is more shit I just don’t feel like venting about right now – had completely put Will off. After HE confronted Paul about my kid and such, he basically told Paul up front that he would ruin all chances of them being friends if he crossed that line. Will still wanted to do the roommate thing. We both agreed it could help to get the men out of the house so there wouldn’t be future issues such as that one.



Well, Will in keeping with his promise to me would not compromise on location like Paul thought might happen. Paul hasn’t ever been in a monogamous relationship as an adult. He had SIX MONTHS in fucking high school for god’s sake. He doesn’t even have a CLUE what a real relationship is about. For the last two years he sickly chased after some dumb married whore he worked with!! He doesn’t clearly understand what Will appreciates. He has no point of reference. The devotion dumbfounds him.



Once they were pretty much confirmed in the complex, Paul began freaking out a little. He started looking at his options and decided he wanted to move closer to their other friend. The cool always single guy in the wheelchair who when he’s not ordering in take out for dinner after his cubicle job while hanging out with the same guys he has since he was a teenager as they play console video games together might be going some place where people are drinking and trying to get laid. This is much more Paul’s scene, even though he is just a waiter. For what I gather from Will, he sees the validity of vapidity in Paul’s eyes yet both of us also know it will not really get Paul any further ahead in life as he claims he truly wants.



When Paul was still heading in a direction that helped Will, he was cool with Paul not contributing more then the occasional pack of smokes, or liters of soda, and washing all the dishes for me in exchange for this place. He worked harder on getting me money then ever before. Never mind that the entire supportiveness of their friendship/relationship is in NO WAY cost efficient for me. And honestly, I could get people to do the dishes without all the baggage. Now that he sees how selfishly Paul turned his back on the cooperative effort to improve all of our situations, even after we’ve helped in so many ways, he is pissed.



Will still wants his own place, only now it is just going to have to wait. He just can’t find a studio apartment or even one bedroom in this area for the price he can afford. We are now negotiating ways to divide the apartment up better for adult vs teen use areas. I am trying to convince him that if he would move his stuff in here we could not spend that money on storage and it would feel better. He’s such a big pussy on this commit without that level of commitment thing, but whatever. None of it really matters in the long run.



So now we are counting the days till Paul is fuck out of the space. I am helping him by putting him in touch with my rental guy, going shopping with him so he gets everything he needs at a good price and with a little taste, plus encouraging him to look for things in the area by providing him with links/information. I am being totally nice just to expedite the situation because Will is fucking miserable. He is ready to toss Paul’s shit over the balcony. Seriously.



In the mean time, I am being as supportive as possible. It may take us renting the occasional out of town hotel room for some privacy, but we will find a way to make that work. If nothing else, I can take on out of town clients so we can make money while feeling like adults. When he’s in a place where he can afford to move out, I will do as I have this time and go help him look for one. I am okay with his need for privacy, as he had done nothing to break my trust in him for the entire time we’ve been together. If anything, he’s repeatedly proven he deserves my faith.



No matter what we haven’t stopped honestly communicating. I have told him from the beginning that Paul’s charms were lost on me. I have yet to see why Will had maintained such fierce loyalty to him. To me he’s another sad little man who doesn’t have a hint of the realities of adulthood. I pity him and that makes it hard for me to really give a shit about him. For that to happen I have see the value of them as people so they may earn my respect…in this case, that just ain’t happening!



So if I am not answering my calls and/or email it’s because I don’t really want to talk. I have too much going on within my home right now. No matter how much I may love you right now I am overloaded. My primary is in pain. I have to help heal him. I don’t even promise this behavior will ever improve, as I am kind of in a place right now where I don’t feel like putting too much on the line.



My boundary lines keep getting moved by others. I am really feeling imposed on by others who need answers when I am unsure of what every single day may bring into my space. Until this is settled down expect invert behavior from me. I am in self-preservation mode. I am sorry if you are one of those who love me most and just want to help. Right now the only place I am garnishing assistance from in the time continuum. Once enough time has passed that this overwhelming situation becomes inconsequential I will try harder to give you all the attention you so richly need.



Till then, take care of yourselves and those you lv, M