Thank you to all who called, noted and came by. I promise I am fine. We are NOT breaking up -- REALLY. I am not falling apart either -- I am just an angry mess part of the time. Don't worry though, with the rapid changes in weather during this time of the year the odds of me cheering back up are like spring showers - one minute here at full strength, another in a slight drizzle and even a few during the brightest hottest part of the day; in otherwords - ever changing. Yes, that means I can be quite moody.

Below is an explaination/evaluation of things as I see them in order. Please note I do NOT put any of the blame on Paul, as he is only down here because of Will's encouragement. Will was the one who wanted this change, pushed for it and basically caused it to come to this point. He understands my accessment of this and why I am in this current state.

We'll come out on the other side of this and see where life takes us. That which does not kill me, just leaves me more obligations to deal with in the end...oh and those are what fucking make you stronger, truthfully~

Timeline:
*Following the divorce from Kerry and the quick passing through of 3 different short flings with some very wrong boys with a few months off to repair my picker vowing the whole time to not hook up with anyone so I could get my head on strait

*Will and I meet Oct 13, 2006 - I am told from the start that Will has plans to move to Austin with Paul by December. We initially plan on a limited engagement situation but after two months together, opt instead for a long distance thing.

*Spend a little over a year with him there and me here, but still seeing each other frequently. We traveled across the state for events and switched cities for visits. Monthly it averaged about every ten days or so, since neither of us has a set schedule

*Bc Will was working for my dad and a few of his friends, he didn't have a ton of money while in Atx. He began to feel guilty about Paul [who is his best friend from childhood] spending so much extra to support him, so he moves to a trailer onsite of his work.

*All the work dries up and he was about to be homeless. I find him work down here and get him to move in.

*From the beginning Will tries to get Paul to come down so they can do the roommate thing again. I understand it is hard for a 26 yo to live with me and my two teens, plus all their friends in and out. Yet the groove is so smooth daily, that I kinda put it out of my mind. Plus at this point, Paul is still refusing.

*Paul moves to Vegas instead, so I completely put it out of my mind. Will still says if Vegas doesn't work out they could do the roomie thing here. A friend of mine who will sometimes works with [and has become friends with] owns a few rental houses that need repair. This friend's tenant has got back on the rent, so unless his cash came through there might be an opportunity for Will, who wants to live in a house. He tells Paul this.

*Vegas turns out to NOT be the town for Paul. He decides to take up Will on his offer and comes back here. I HAVE A TINY SORTA 3 BEDROOM APARTMENT. To say the least we are cramped and it is getting to all of us.

SIDENOTE ABOUT THIS HOUSE THING: I know my friend much better than Will. I knew the dude in question with the rent issue was more likely to get the money together because he is soooooo the type to not give up this place in the old Heights. I act supportive because I know the whole deal is going to cave under Will's feet. My predicition came true and the house fell through just before Paul arrived in town.

*Making the most of having them both here, I decide to help Paul with looking for a dominant female for himself. I set up his accounts and get his pix together. I make arrangements for this with good friends and do the damn editing and posting of the images for him. I don't know if he ever goes and checks his accounts or even tries to learn from the sites features.

*I see now I would reallllllly have to start at scratch with this one, but he does LITTLE to endear himself to me enough to want to. Instead he annoys me with his thoughtless and selfish behaviors. These are two qualities that disqualify someone for my private life! But yet I am stuck with him here because of Will. I will admit he can be helpful, but he's too self-involved to see clearly frequently.

*Luckily for me, the things he does makes me realize things I had not considered about my book. I see where most people must begin with and damn it is going to be a long book. While he may be great about doing the dishes and picking up mess, he REALLY needs proper training on cost effientency [sp?] and proper method thus showing me details I hadn't considered important to be actually necessary.

*When Will and I moved in here, it was agreed that when he moved to his own place it would be in this complex. After the house deal fell through, Paul began to look in the god damn Summit area!! I live off Ten and fucking Eldridge. I had a small flip out. Will and I talked and I reminded him of his promise. We compromised that the same zip code would also do, but that he would commit to always being available to me ON DEMAND.

*Finally these two stupid boys did the math on what other places near here really go for [as if I didn't know because I had just done it twice!] and decided that these apartments are the best deal. [duh] They seem to have a choice of two that they may be able to afford without Ricki, but I know another fact or two they haven't considered, so they really NEED Ricki to get the one they want most.

*Will's income is SUPER LIMITED. Each month we've been living together he has never been able to contribute more than maybe $500 at the most. I will NEVER give men money to help with their bills if they are not under my roof. He already left Paul once because he wasn't okay accepting it from his friend.

*Paul hasn't made enough money at his job yet to offer me a dime. He's been out looking for a second job AND CAN'T FIND A FINE DINING GIG ANYWHERE. No one is hiring and he has a great resume. So I doubt he could really float anyone right now.

*So yesterday Will and I had a very transparent conversation. I told him I was beginning to put my walls back up because I feel hurt for him leaving. I hate change and I have a short fuse right now. I am worried I will say or do something so mean he won't forgive me. I do that when I am hurt. It's not my finest quality and something I have worked dilligently in changing with only small victories in my opinion. Luckily the people nearest to me understand how hard I work to avoid this happening and do things my way most of the time to keep the peace. [Afterall, my way does make sense.]

*We discussed the realities of the change. I told him I wouldn't be over there all the time. I also told him he wouldn't have all the readily available advantages because of this. [sex, food, caretaking in general] I already began to make plans without him for social engagements with my girl friends. [everyone called after yesterday's post; Razor brought me powdered sugar donuts to soothe me.]

*We talked about my fearful predictions. I know how things change when my primary is not in house. I also know I find myself beginning to hunt subconsciously. It's my self protect mode and too engrained in my very essence to change. Besides, to loose this would affect my gifts for seeing the bigger picture.

*When we discussed the income situation, Will seemed to think that if he HAS to support himself it might force him to go get a real job. I am still stupified that anyone would give up what I offer knowing that is probably going to become their reality. WTF? If that's what he feels he needs then far be it from me to stand in his way to get kicked in the face by life. Some people's children have to learn everything the hard way! I should know because I always have....

*Turns out he has done some preimptive thinking too. He has decided that he is going to start using the word LOVE more in regards to me. This whole time he has always limited it to when it was really important for me to hear or for when it just exploded out of him on accident. It was his way of keeping emotional distance. He's finally at a point where he sees I need more then to just be shown. I am greedy - I need showing and telling! [Yet I am so paranoid that I see it as a passification tool and don't trust it just yet. Time will tell.]

*Also he reminded me that 'on demand' means whenever I call. I pointed out that I don't want to hear a single disgruntled sound whenever I did. He admitted he knows he sometimes does this and said he would make the effort to not. I told him if he did he could expect a punishment. He knows from experience that I HATE to punish because it goes directly against my reward based system, so this comment caught his attention.

*Basically I resolved within myself that he would be seeing a more structured Ds situation once he's out the door. I am always too soft on people that I am sleeping with. It's easier with distance. It's just how I am. Plus I will focus on my girls more. They need and love me too.

I agreed to all of this from the start. I just am not happy about it. Sometimes in life it truly sucks to be a person of your word. But a promise is a promise. I couldn't be the dom he respects so highly if I wasn't at least able to keep a promise. This of course makes me feel powerless to my own standards which never helps with my temper.

So please bear with me during this manic season. Until it is full time Sunny, I may rapid cycle. The good news is that when it is at the very best, I cook, clean, create and write like crazy. Maybe that's because I am sorta am.

Lv M

Love can be tough - Love can be tender

It's my only alliby

Joe Ely - Letter to Loraedo