heavy

Heavy
Okay should be making a to-do list...clean downstairs...bedroom...laundry...blahblahblah...but I have a heavy heart and want to purge...

Death...O...I am stuck in a death cycle...I hate these...times when death seems to surround my universe and take hold of my heart...Slowly it crept around me this September until I read someone's MS blog about losing her children around that time of year...then it oozed into me again...

ExHub1 keeps waivering back and forth on the edge of death. My poor daughter will be eighteen on Wednesday and becomes his conservatrix on that day. The final choice of his management will fall on her. She alone holds his life in her hands. I hope he knows in his heart it is only her caring, warm, and forgiving soul that is saving him from righteously deserved anger of abandonment. If she were me, the plug would have already been yanked from all the disappointments he brought into her life; but she is NOT me and will do what she thinks is best for everyone involved. It's her nature....

I found out today someone I once loved recently lost a child to cancer. First thing this morning to be exact. I wept freely reading the blog of their journey. I wrote him a short note, but I don't know if he will even remember me. I know we weren't around each other for long, but I have the fondest memories of him...

The HUGE vert ramp in his parents backyard. Filming the skate video on it. Going to that neighborhood to see Xmas lights. Going to Galveston. Seeing the folks with a similar ramp in their backyard. Going to the custom board makers place. I dunno its all surf and skate era stuff and doesn't seem like much now...

But really, a huge part of my heart goes to all the boys I knew during that punk rock era of my life. When Michelle From Hell was born, so to speak. They taught me I could be loved for being different. I could be pretty without having to look like everyone else. I could be tough enough to handle the ups and down. To hold my own in a mosh pit. They really kept me from feeling too isolated when I was forming my universe. Before the Net was even invented...Ah, Skaterboys, I love you all!!

But that's not so deep. What is going on with my kids is...They are missing parts of school every day to be at the hospital. We have to push my son to do it because he's an avoidist to begin with -- he HATES to deal with anything head on...he's a freerunner and it is metaphor for how he'd prefer to handle anything -- by running! I wish I could get him to open up more, but at almost 17 he is trying to avoid shedding a tear.

My new dread is the funeral. I know I have to go. Yuck. I hate them. I hate him right now for this final bail out. Oh yep, that's what I feel like. I feel like now that the part of their lives I really needed his help on is over and he missed most of it. Now that he's in a place without the abusive spouse and was becoming more self-aware the stupid jackass is going to die rather then getting his shit together enough to get to know his wonderful kids. Hateful? Yes. I am FULL of hate for him.

I feel wrong. I should be letting it all go. BUT I AM TOO MAD. He did this to himself. He is dying because he drank himself to death before 50! This is pathetic but I cannot feel sorry for him. I feel like he is living out the destiny I foresaw clearly enough to bail myself. It sickens me.

And these blogs are the only place I can say it. At home all I can do is help my kids process what they are feeling. I have to take in the information, put it through my filters and give them only facts without my hateful opinions. It is so much harder then I can express. To say the least there is a huge purple elephant shitting all over my livingroom and all we can do is talk about the mess because there is too damn much to clean up...

I am going to do that to do list...

1. Clean up the livingroom

2. Clean up the kitchen

3. Buy some damn coffee and smokes

4. MIRRORS *start with big then move to box

a. Sand

b. Green paint

c. epoxy

d. gems

*Big glass beads on the big mirror

*Smaller beads on box. Still need assorted rhinestones for this project. Other resale stores? Walmart? UGH!

VACCUUM [ugliness]